|A Cliff's Notes
Guide To The Bengals '02
1/1/03 - by The Coroner
1. Mike Brown - Saving Kitna's 1.6M makes 2-14 palatable
2. Jim Lippincott - It took a bad owner, coach, and personnel director to create 2-14; fire this worthless porker, too!
3. Dick Lebeau - Should've let Duffner have the job back then
4. Al Roberts - Same NFL future as Dave Shula had six years ago
5. Alan Cutler - Should try suck-up, motivational speech on new ex-coaching staff
6. Duchess Tobin - Keep this fool out of the '03 draft room; steakhouse busboy?
7. Pete Brown - Empty-suit boozer ought to stick to selling exercise machines
8. Artrell Hawkins - Anymore questions about this non-talent?
9. Mark Duffner - '02 was a big lie; even Mikey can't deny the Carolina atrocity
10. Takeo Spikes - Fears these words like a long, painful death: FRANCHISE TAG
11. Carson Palmer and Bryan Leftwich - The sleepless nights are excruciating
12. Jon Kitna - Spends 1.6M prematurely on golf clubs, then tosses two late INTs costing him the bonus
13. Lorenzo Neal and Nick Luchey - OUTTA HERE! Five years until Bungles find a serviceable FB
14. Gus Frerotte & Michael Westbrook Experiment - see #2 & #6
15. Katie Blackburn - Please be a stay-at-home Mom and a stay-away Brown
16. Troy Blackheart - Can he still find ways to screw paying fans? Try the PBS food.
17. Kim Wood - How about this no-show employee, which explains weak, windless players
18. Bob Bratkowski - Sure to pound a few on the eve of his firing; steakhouse bartender?
19. Dillon & Simmons - Big suckers may never taste a .500 season
20. Johan Cooper - Dreamin' about Walt Harris; 3-1 odds that Cooper becomes head coach
21. Holmgren, Coughlin, and Denny Green - All out of the country during Bungle search
22. Lovie Smith and Marvin Lewis - Would rather see continuing disparity of white/black NFL head coaches than coach the Bungles
23. Dick Jauron - Would rather keep playing in Champaign, IL with worse QB's than Cincy
24. Paul ["Have Patience" - ed] Tagliabue - League cannot allow established franchises to win half as many games as an expansion club
25. Todd Portune - Don't give up the fight, big guy!
26. Bedinghaus - Troy recommending a pay cut for his feeble valet
27. Dowlin & Neyer - Didn't support Portune in order to get into PBS VIP implosion party
28. O'Rourke Co. - Unfortunately accurate on Sunday
29. PBS Concessions - Carbon-dated pretzels, free store-caliber hotdogs & beer priced like a top-shelf double; the $10 club level burger is a relief (see#16)
30. Reinard, C. Hall, Roman, S. Brewer, L. Thompson, et al. - Back to school, Lippy!