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A Cliff's Notes Guide To The Bengals '02
1/1/03 - by The Coroner

1. Mike Brown - Saving Kitna's 1.6M makes 2-14 palatable

2. Jim Lippincott - It took a bad owner, coach, and personnel director to create 2-14; fire this worthless porker, too!

3. Dick Lebeau - Should've let Duffner have the job back then

4. Al Roberts - Same NFL future as Dave Shula had six years ago 

5. Alan Cutler - Should try suck-up, motivational speech on new ex-coaching staff

6. Duchess Tobin - Keep this fool out of the '03 draft room; steakhouse busboy?

7. Pete Brown - Empty-suit boozer ought to stick to selling exercise machines

8. Artrell Hawkins - Anymore questions about this non-talent?

9. Mark Duffner - '02 was a big lie; even Mikey can't deny the Carolina atrocity

10. Takeo Spikes - Fears these words like a long, painful death: FRANCHISE TAG

11. Carson Palmer and Bryan Leftwich - The sleepless nights are excruciating

12. Jon Kitna - Spends 1.6M prematurely on golf clubs, then tosses two late INTs costing him the bonus

13. Lorenzo Neal and Nick Luchey - OUTTA HERE! Five years until Bungles find a serviceable FB

14. Gus Frerotte & Michael Westbrook Experiment - see #2 & #6 

15. Katie Blackburn - Please be a stay-at-home Mom and a stay-away Brown

16. Troy Blackheart - Can he still find ways to screw paying fans? Try the PBS food.

17. Kim Wood - How about this no-show employee, which explains weak, windless players

18. Bob Bratkowski - Sure to pound a few on the eve of his firing; steakhouse bartender?

19. Dillon & Simmons - Big suckers may never taste a .500 season

20. Johan Cooper - Dreamin' about Walt Harris; 3-1 odds that Cooper becomes head coach

21. Holmgren, Coughlin, and Denny Green - All out of the country during Bungle search

22. Lovie Smith and Marvin Lewis - Would rather see continuing disparity of white/black NFL head coaches than coach the Bungles

23. Dick Jauron - Would rather keep playing in Champaign, IL with worse QB's than Cincy

24. Paul ["Have Patience" - ed] Tagliabue - League cannot allow established franchises to win half as many games as an expansion club

25. Todd Portune - Don't give up the fight, big guy!

26. Bedinghaus - Troy recommending a pay cut for his feeble valet

27. Dowlin & Neyer - Didn't support Portune in order to get into PBS VIP implosion party

28. O'Rourke Co. - Unfortunately accurate on Sunday

29. PBS Concessions - Carbon-dated pretzels, free store-caliber hotdogs & beer priced like a top-shelf double; the $10 club level burger is a relief (see#16)

30. Reinard, C. Hall, Roman, S. Brewer, L. Thompson, et al. - Back to school, Lippy!

 
Disclaimer - The opinions expressed and implied here are those of the contributing fan columnist and may not be those of Fraidy.  Of course then again they probably are.

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